To Belong.

I walk and stare at this growing abstraction in my life.
I've never stopped and seen..
always overlooked, and this day, it comes right at me.
Faltering and crashing
Like the waves of an ugly beach.
Littered and shallow,
Death be his foe, and I his friend.
I've never walked this beach before,
And the place seems new.
The routes all wrong,
And the wind turns around.
Stagnation and sorrow are my only friends,
Playing the Devil's advocate,
Right in my head.
If only I knew, how to just run,
Walk through the soft sands of what was once
A land of mine
A place I belonged to
Wherein love and lust
Intertwined as two
Where happiness was permanent
And sorrow at bay
Where the lonely boats smiled
Leaving pain astray
Where the shallowness of life
Was replaced by the depths of passion
Where the single human eye
Found her reflection
Where she saw all his dreams
And they lived a life together
Where they knew even if the stream
Fell down to a river
And the river to the waterfall edge
They stood hand in hand
Heads held up
And faith in their heart.
They knew that one leap
Made all the difference
In death the bitterness of life
Never mattered on infliction
It was the strength of the supreme
The valor of love
That pulled two souls out together
Out of convulsed rapids, forever. 

Mind Babble.

I give way too much support to people who need it. I flower them with advice and great words quoted from films, songs and authors, just to make my long motivational messages a little more happy and hopeful. I throw words like they’re confetti, all pretty and colourful, but an eventual absolute waste. What is the point? No, really?
I've done so much to help people, and in actual instances it has worked…but what about myself? I wish I could implement all that I said? I wish I could stop over rationalizing whatever I thought. I wish, just wish that someday, I’d genuinely feel what I wrote.

Maybe failure does this to people. It gives them the right ideas of bouncing back, but still lets them just stay as mental scenarios played by the con artists in their head. When does one realize enough is enough? Where does he find that inspiration that kept him going, until life threw a few blows right at his face? When? What? How? Why?
All we can do is ask…and maybe wait.

At times, we really do end up questioning our self-worth. We do question our life decisions, our choices, our lifestyles, our thinking, everything. All that we stood for seems just so hollow and meaningless suddenly. The scarlet of courage and bravery is washed out by the greys of doubt and sadness. An eventual black too, sometimes.

This feeling is so detrimental, because everyone expects you to bounce back, come back to life, and all that mumbo-jumbo bullshit. 

Thrown by phrases like, you have no choice, make the best of it, it is what it is, maybe something good will arise out of it…you probably start to believe that feeling not so great is wrong. You have this whole mental pressure of being the post-Cancer Tour de France winner-version of Lance Armstrong. People don’t want to see you fail, feel miserable, struggle and then emerge. All they want is the final step. Victory.

Well, I’d pretty much say a large FUCK YOU to that, on normal circumstances…but being where I am, right or wrong aren't as simple as black and white. In fact, it’s more like a PMS’y woman trying to give directions.  

(Yeah, I just sort of said that.)

Guess it really is what it is. Maybe we just hang in there, not give up and exist for as long as the epiphany strikes. Life has never abandoned anyone on the chance front. Maybe yours will come, mine too.

Until then, you stick around.

Of Inspiration.

I looked for inspiration in all corners, hoping something would strike the melancholic chords within. The desperation for just a blur of words became a growing obsession, much detrimental than I supposed. And one random morning, when the seeker in me decided to give up, did inspiration flood in. Little did I realize it came from my own work. The former glory that defined me, put me back in that fire. I felt it right in the pit of my belly. I knew it was back for good. Stronger and more powerful. The words just flowed and flowed. It felt like an endless river of thoughts just waiting to be heard.

They spoke of undying love and passion. Of dreams unconquered. Of hopes so strong. Of lives so beautiful. Of relations so perfect. It was the golden epiphany I always hoped for. The fear of losing it also went away, just as if a wisp of wind had taken away all my troubles. My world was whole again. The empty ink bottle and blotting paper lay no more silent. Those ugly noises left. I felt renewed, rejuvenated...and just so complete.

Uncensored.

Just save me from the anguish
The lies and woes 
Of a new world.
Take me to a place I'd know
As my own.
Take me somewhere 
Where the happy winds
Overwhelm my soul's desires. 
Let me be free and loved
Away from the betrayal of those
Who said they mattered before.
I'm a naked soul
Stripped bare off my life's doings
Lessons not needed, learned
While pain still traps my chest.
Tears for fears seem untold
None who'd ever understand..
For comfort and love is my want
Not just a sentence of incompetence. 
Shivering in absolute rawness
Fatigue now upon my eyes
A deep slumber, an uncalled escapade
To the one's who's arms keep me warm.
Thresholds crossed beyond explanation
Zombies come and go
I stay like a lingering shadow
Hoping for my day to glow.
Lost drives and strength
A want to just cocoon
No intoxication. No skin. No touch.
Just a place.. a little too much?

Chimes.

Innocence looked up in awe as she twirled her dainty fingers around the delicate strings of a bronze wind chime. She loved the tingly sound of the wind blowing through the thin woven metal strips wrought in detailed patterns. The sound reminded her of her mother's laugh-so simple and pure.

-----------

Mama was away on a vacation, they told me. They said she needed to be away from me. I never understood why. Who would comb my hair then? They said aaji would do it, but only mama knew how to tie my blue ribbon in a perfect bow.

"Your mama is sick, Laila", they'd keep saying.

I always knew mama was a little easily upset, but aren't most adults? She used to change her voice sometimes, and sometimes, I never knew who she was. She forgot me too, but I still loved her. Maybe mama also forgot things, just like I forgot my ABC in kindergarten. They still kept saying she was ill.
Late at nights she used to say she were going to bed, but I saw her shadows in the kitchen light, looking for something frantically or just crying in sheer sorrow. I never knew why she was so sad.
When I would go up to her, she would beat me up and tell me I was a bad child,  but I still got her flowers hoping she would love me the next day.

That's when they took her away.
She cried and screamed. She broke all my dolls and toys. Her eyes were so angry and red, that daddy and the doctor had to tie her down to a bed with tight ropes. I saw her face as it convulsed in grim torture. "I love you, mama", I whispered softly, hoping she would remember me before they took her away.

I never cried, because I never knew. Only a gloomy darkness of grey towered me, and often I'd wake up feeling a pair of eyes on me. But soon they died too, just like a part of me-when mama was buried. 

-----------

Now, the beautiful butterflies still hang on the wind chime, rusted and fading. As each part of them falls, her mother's grip fades.
Her eyes moisten.
Her heart fills.
But, she smiles.  

Pristine White.

There was ambiguity in her reflection

The clear waters seem to bluff-

They hid a tale amidst soft waves,

The sort told in the epoch of caves.

Clad in soft, pristine white

Silky black hair falling on her face;

Her expression seemed calm and knowing

A life of love and happiness showing.

The Stuff of Dreams

Everyday I wake up feeling like the past 8 months of my life were just a dream, nightmare or whatever you'd like to call it.. and in reality I'm still sitting on my study table preparing for my 12th board exams and clearly having fallen into a deep slumber of vivid dreams.

Funny, isn't it?

What if all we're living is just a premonition of what's going to happen?
What if everything we are right now is just a sign for us to take the right decisions once we wake up?
Maybe that can explain the stagnation in our lives. Explain why sometimes we feel we try to hard, but reach no end.
Isn't that the stuff of dreams?

You feel like you're running a great marathon to reach the pot of gold at the rainbow's end.. but actually that idea of gold is just a reflected mirage. You still keep running.. directionless now.

And when you suddenly stop in fatigue, and fall flat on the ground with a large thud; you then snap out like a camera flash, and figure how the blueprint to your future is simply in negatives.
You wake up, wipe the drool off your face, and either go develop the negatives or maybe just throw them in the bin.

As you like it!

Renewed.

I haven't been writing much. In fact, I haven't been writing at all; except those moments wherein I've tried to squeeze out all my creativity to only land up with something demeaning and dark. Guess it was indeed a long drawn phase of unnecessary withdrawal..but now, it's time to take complete charge of myself, and my life. What I always stood for and believed in, has been completely washed away in the past 8 months. My life has changed in such a large manner, that I can never really identify with who I am. While I still watch myself slowly float out of this indecisiveness, a few things about me are clearly for the keeps. :)

PS: I've completely changed my blog style. I want my blog and my writing to reflect on who I am, not on only the negative aspect of instances in my life. There's a lot I'm taking out of life around me, but sadly not giving it the sort of importance it deserves.

You've got to embrace the change.
Stand up for yourself.
Fight the system.
Love a lot.
Live crazily.
Feel happy.
And above all, never ever in the process, lose your true identity. :)

Two.

Two. 

We're two. 

In a world of fear. 

She loves being cared. 

And I, I love my tomb of silence. 

I stay and muse on the ghosts around. 

She's an undefined part - one I'll never get.

I'm just her harlot. Her slave. Her faithful minion.

She doesn't know where she'll get. What she'll become.

But me. I know. I know it all. I'm there at the back. Forgotten. 

When the clocks strike, and the moon disappears. She'll turn to me. 

And I, I'll silently whisper words of resurrection. For, we're one. Always. 

Lies.

Soft mellow eyes. Hurtful truths.
Why would you want them to be,
An epoch in your memory?
Wrathfully sewn and carefully silenced.
Illusioned to love.
Illusioned to lust.
An underlying ghost of past shadows.
Nothing concrete.
Nothing strong.
Just a string of indelible words.
Shattered minds of a thousand lives,
Cracked reflections of broken mirrors.
Yet they defy who you are,
A mystery to the mind's soul.
As simple as black or white,
Dark moonlit river of lies. 

The Experiment.

There's only one way in which you'd ever comprehend the feeling of the wooden dust underneath your feet, the harsh warmth of the spotlight on your head, and the crystal blackness filled with ghastly yet curious eyes staring right at you. And you, you stand there taking in all you have to deliver your last bit of being a person re-created by ghost writers who make a new you by just stringing in words. That's when you gather up all you have, look straight in their eyes and speak. An extension of words revised by you numerous times flows out of your mouth, but this time, it's different. It's not you. An outburst of applause and a curtain call snap your trance, but that feeling you just experienced is bliss..pure exhilaration.

I spent a large part of my school days standing on stage, either acting or debating. Back then, never did I get the chance to know what it felt like to run my own production. To host my own shows. To do ALL the backstage work. Or to just stand up on a pedestal and motivate my team before it's final show.
And now, finally, after coming to Symbiosis, I did find a like minded friend along with whom I founded our college's first theatrical production house. We both had excellent parallel ideas on innovative theatre and are finally putting up our first show in March, 2013. We decided to call ourselves "The Experiment."

Our first logo designed by a friend, Harsha Biyani. 

Eternity?

Loneliness crept in, as the sun set lightly across velvety skies, leaving a shade of hazy amidst those crisp clouds. Vast mountains fortified the greatness of that empty table land, below which roofs of huts looked like clusters of bright M&M's. The deep flavour of Fir trees tingled her nose, as exhilaration lifted her soul to the heart of nature. She felt her eyes get moist. Just like those lightening flashbacks, memories of the past whisked her mind. She needed him around, just as a weeping child would need the warm comfort of his mother's arms.
There within the arms of his embrace, she felt everything safe. His soft caress would send in fuzzy feelings of happiness throughout her tiny being. There she was, in her own safe cavern. A place where she belonged. Where they belonged. He wasn't far away, he wasn't gone. He was no one's but hers. Love was theirs to cherish. The hollowness was just an augmented figment of her myriad thoughts that accounted for a large chunk of the recent detachment she felt. But then again, love has it's mysterious ways. It keeps people together and binds them with strong threads..for eternity, maybe! 

Through My Teeth.

Her nimble fingers tremble, as she daintily wraps her arms around his neck. He embraces her in a deep, passionate kiss, while she breathed in the deep stench of his cigarettes and tasted his lips, bitter from last night's adventures.

The slight tremble of her body gave him enough evidence of the fear that engulfed her soul. She knew his end was not a far, distant fact. It was now..right this moment. All those dreams of white gowns and pretty dances faded with the clink of champagne glasses, just as though a thousand shards of glass would shatter on the floor with that deafened ringing.

One last time he closed his eyes, clenched her hand, feeling her finger nails numb his fist. The grip loosened, and she gave out a deep, bellowed cry.

Fist still clenched, eyes blood red, she stared at her light silhouette in the mirror. Another one of those nightmares that kept her up all night. Another one of those fears.
Another love lost.

Go Away!

When I look for support in you
All I see are those cold distant eyes
Haunted by the memories of the past
An epoch in your history of lies.

I wonder what I thought, when I made those promises,
Maybe a ray of hope, a sign of change..
A little sympathy. A little care.
But life can never seem fair!

"Go away", you say to me,
"This is not how it's meant to be"..
But I cling on, for the fear of being
An addict all alone, not been seen!

So all I ask is a little love,
A pat on the back, a kiss or a hug.
A little pretension to illusion me,
"Go away, you little freak!"


This was written randomly, as part of a challenge put fourth by a friend of mine. It reflects no feelings of mine, whatsoever :)

That Inner Demon

When the visions around you
Do nothing but make you cry
And you feel all alone
Despite all the effort and tries.

You have no other choice
But weep until you finally stop
Find that silence deafened 
By your sobs and prayers

Finding that peace within yourself
Because dependence was never your thing
Although a little care would never hurt
Why be such a weak being?

Your mind drives you insane
And that lost sanity is all you have
While the demon gnaws silently
And you stand and watch helplessly.

Strong from out, weak from inside
Shattered minds, going mad
Are all a part of that one thing
That every sad song does sing.  

Go On, Smile :)

It takes a while for one to realize that they themselves hold the key to their own happiness. We often believe that making others happy, being there for them as their pillar of support during dark times is our own way of finding that bit of eternal happiness. 

This myth is so strongly engraved into our value systems, that in the true test of times, we fail.
We fail miserably. 

No one, but us, hold the key to the secret chamber of our happiness. We need to know what is it that makes us feel good about ourselves, as human beings. 
If one cannot truly love himself, he's never going to be happy.

You need to enjoy your own company. You need to feel full of radiance..and eventually, better things fall into place. 
Its the law of the land.
Man was born a little selfish. Society made him care, but not at the cost of him losing his own identity!

We are like spices. We add a little flavor to the food, even though we get a little lost..we stand out. Why?
Because each of us are different. 
Each of us are masterpieces of a well-crafted entity. 
Each of us, are US. 

So go out there, add a little bit of yourself and make the world a culinary genius. :)

Because Happily Ever Afters Do Exist

She walked lightly over the freshly cut grass, her fingers intertwined in his. He smiled looking at her twirl her hair around her finger, as her gleaming eyes stared at their reflection in the still river waters. She smiled.

They had been through a lot, not together, but individually. Each had their own share of ups and downs. Each had lost a lot, on the way..and somewhere deep down hoped for a person to bring back part of their identity. A part, they had buried in the depths of the past.

This wasn't any movie-type romance. Nothing of the "love at first sight" sort. They had known each other for years, but never really bothered..until events brought them closer than ever.
They soon realized they couldn't do without each other. Days felt incomplete without meeting, and nights seemed faded, without those long, random conversations. Everyone saw the obvious, except them. They lived in oblivion to reality.

...Except that one day, when Fate decided it was time. They knew they had fallen. Fallen so truly in love, that nothing could stop them. They were perfect.
He knew how to look after her, and she knew how to handle him. They were open and honest. Nothing ever tore them apart. The World knew it was meant to be..

Despite many changes, their loved stayed constant. She'd fall more in love with him, each time she saw him smile. As was it with him.
They had the perfect life.
Blissful and happy.

Turning towards him, with large thoughtful eyes, she knew the time had come. He pulled her a little closer, and moved her hair off her face. Smiling he pulled out a large diamond ring, and went down on his knee.
She thought it was the end, but contrary to her belief, it was a new beginning. He wished her to be his bride.
She accepted.

Tears welled up in both their eyes as they embraced each other in a passionate kiss. They felt the warm air surround them with a feeling of security of a happy future.
They were one, and would always remain one.

Who Am I?

I'm on this never ending quest, of looking for inspiration, for knowledge and for hope.
I'm out in this big world, searching and discovering the greatness that lies within the boundaries of fear and the unknown.
I'm a traveler on an unknown path.
I'm a sailor on the rough seas.
I'm a dreamer, with a million dreams.
I'm a girl, who hopes to be seen.

I have seen the worst of days, wherein my world spun around like a crazy tornado. People changed. Times passed. Situations went awry and nights seemed long.
But still, that tiny voice inside, never did let me shatter.
Disappointments came, lingered for a while and went.
People came, made themselves count, pretended, hurt and left.
But I, I stood strong.
I held my ground.

I've learnt to forgive, if not forget. After all, you can forget things people say, but not how they make you feel. I've learnt that the one person who builds you up, is the one who breaks you down. And that things never go as we expect them to, despite of which, they bring forth better days!

So I dance in the rain.
Run through the pain.
Sail rough weathers.
And fly like a feather.
Let my instincts guide me,
Show me the light,
Bring destiny to me,
And smile through the night :)

The Silence Of The Night

There's a reason why
I love to be alone,
Sit in the dark,
And think life through..
Weep if I have to,
With the reflection
Of the stars, glistening
And shining in my eyes..
The weak whispering
Of the light wind
Telling me secrets
Of the silence of the night.

Many a men, have
Admired it, feared it..
While for me,
It makes me feel alive..
Back from the dead,
To my quiet spot,
Where I thrive
With my thoughts..
I hear it call
With all its might
Embrace me, oh moon,
In the silence of the night :)

Photo-Blog News :D

Hello Blogging World :)

It's been long since I last posted something!
I've been crazily busy with life. Suddenly everything seems so mixed up and madly hectic.

Anyway, I've FINALLY created my photo-blog :D
Here's the link- *Trigger Happy* 
(Yes. Self explanatory name. I go around clicking pictures like a mad woman!)
Do drop in a comment or two. Criticism gets me going. Suggestions and advice are welcomed.

Oh, and yes, which are your favorite photo-blogs? I'd love to know :)
Do post the links!

I shall be coming up with a post soon :)

Much love :)