Mind Babble.

I give way too much support to people who need it. I flower them with advice and great words quoted from films, songs and authors, just to make my long motivational messages a little more happy and hopeful. I throw words like they’re confetti, all pretty and colourful, but an eventual absolute waste. What is the point? No, really?
I've done so much to help people, and in actual instances it has worked…but what about myself? I wish I could implement all that I said? I wish I could stop over rationalizing whatever I thought. I wish, just wish that someday, I’d genuinely feel what I wrote.

Maybe failure does this to people. It gives them the right ideas of bouncing back, but still lets them just stay as mental scenarios played by the con artists in their head. When does one realize enough is enough? Where does he find that inspiration that kept him going, until life threw a few blows right at his face? When? What? How? Why?
All we can do is ask…and maybe wait.

At times, we really do end up questioning our self-worth. We do question our life decisions, our choices, our lifestyles, our thinking, everything. All that we stood for seems just so hollow and meaningless suddenly. The scarlet of courage and bravery is washed out by the greys of doubt and sadness. An eventual black too, sometimes.

This feeling is so detrimental, because everyone expects you to bounce back, come back to life, and all that mumbo-jumbo bullshit. 

Thrown by phrases like, you have no choice, make the best of it, it is what it is, maybe something good will arise out of it…you probably start to believe that feeling not so great is wrong. You have this whole mental pressure of being the post-Cancer Tour de France winner-version of Lance Armstrong. People don’t want to see you fail, feel miserable, struggle and then emerge. All they want is the final step. Victory.

Well, I’d pretty much say a large FUCK YOU to that, on normal circumstances…but being where I am, right or wrong aren't as simple as black and white. In fact, it’s more like a PMS’y woman trying to give directions.  

(Yeah, I just sort of said that.)

Guess it really is what it is. Maybe we just hang in there, not give up and exist for as long as the epiphany strikes. Life has never abandoned anyone on the chance front. Maybe yours will come, mine too.

Until then, you stick around.

Uncensored.

Just save me from the anguish
The lies and woes 
Of a new world.
Take me to a place I'd know
As my own.
Take me somewhere 
Where the happy winds
Overwhelm my soul's desires. 
Let me be free and loved
Away from the betrayal of those
Who said they mattered before.
I'm a naked soul
Stripped bare off my life's doings
Lessons not needed, learned
While pain still traps my chest.
Tears for fears seem untold
None who'd ever understand..
For comfort and love is my want
Not just a sentence of incompetence. 
Shivering in absolute rawness
Fatigue now upon my eyes
A deep slumber, an uncalled escapade
To the one's who's arms keep me warm.
Thresholds crossed beyond explanation
Zombies come and go
I stay like a lingering shadow
Hoping for my day to glow.
Lost drives and strength
A want to just cocoon
No intoxication. No skin. No touch.
Just a place.. a little too much?

Chimes.

Innocence looked up in awe as she twirled her dainty fingers around the delicate strings of a bronze wind chime. She loved the tingly sound of the wind blowing through the thin woven metal strips wrought in detailed patterns. The sound reminded her of her mother's laugh-so simple and pure.

-----------

Mama was away on a vacation, they told me. They said she needed to be away from me. I never understood why. Who would comb my hair then? They said aaji would do it, but only mama knew how to tie my blue ribbon in a perfect bow.

"Your mama is sick, Laila", they'd keep saying.

I always knew mama was a little easily upset, but aren't most adults? She used to change her voice sometimes, and sometimes, I never knew who she was. She forgot me too, but I still loved her. Maybe mama also forgot things, just like I forgot my ABC in kindergarten. They still kept saying she was ill.
Late at nights she used to say she were going to bed, but I saw her shadows in the kitchen light, looking for something frantically or just crying in sheer sorrow. I never knew why she was so sad.
When I would go up to her, she would beat me up and tell me I was a bad child,  but I still got her flowers hoping she would love me the next day.

That's when they took her away.
She cried and screamed. She broke all my dolls and toys. Her eyes were so angry and red, that daddy and the doctor had to tie her down to a bed with tight ropes. I saw her face as it convulsed in grim torture. "I love you, mama", I whispered softly, hoping she would remember me before they took her away.

I never cried, because I never knew. Only a gloomy darkness of grey towered me, and often I'd wake up feeling a pair of eyes on me. But soon they died too, just like a part of me-when mama was buried. 

-----------

Now, the beautiful butterflies still hang on the wind chime, rusted and fading. As each part of them falls, her mother's grip fades.
Her eyes moisten.
Her heart fills.
But, she smiles.  

Eternity?

Loneliness crept in, as the sun set lightly across velvety skies, leaving a shade of hazy amidst those crisp clouds. Vast mountains fortified the greatness of that empty table land, below which roofs of huts looked like clusters of bright M&M's. The deep flavour of Fir trees tingled her nose, as exhilaration lifted her soul to the heart of nature. She felt her eyes get moist. Just like those lightening flashbacks, memories of the past whisked her mind. She needed him around, just as a weeping child would need the warm comfort of his mother's arms.
There within the arms of his embrace, she felt everything safe. His soft caress would send in fuzzy feelings of happiness throughout her tiny being. There she was, in her own safe cavern. A place where she belonged. Where they belonged. He wasn't far away, he wasn't gone. He was no one's but hers. Love was theirs to cherish. The hollowness was just an augmented figment of her myriad thoughts that accounted for a large chunk of the recent detachment she felt. But then again, love has it's mysterious ways. It keeps people together and binds them with strong threads..for eternity, maybe! 

Go Away!

When I look for support in you
All I see are those cold distant eyes
Haunted by the memories of the past
An epoch in your history of lies.

I wonder what I thought, when I made those promises,
Maybe a ray of hope, a sign of change..
A little sympathy. A little care.
But life can never seem fair!

"Go away", you say to me,
"This is not how it's meant to be"..
But I cling on, for the fear of being
An addict all alone, not been seen!

So all I ask is a little love,
A pat on the back, a kiss or a hug.
A little pretension to illusion me,
"Go away, you little freak!"


This was written randomly, as part of a challenge put fourth by a friend of mine. It reflects no feelings of mine, whatsoever :)

That Inner Demon

When the visions around you
Do nothing but make you cry
And you feel all alone
Despite all the effort and tries.

You have no other choice
But weep until you finally stop
Find that silence deafened 
By your sobs and prayers

Finding that peace within yourself
Because dependence was never your thing
Although a little care would never hurt
Why be such a weak being?

Your mind drives you insane
And that lost sanity is all you have
While the demon gnaws silently
And you stand and watch helplessly.

Strong from out, weak from inside
Shattered minds, going mad
Are all a part of that one thing
That every sad song does sing.  

A Letter To A Lost Friend

Dear Long Lost Best Friend,

It's been a while since we've met. Well, you're miles away, and that sucks.
It's been a while since we've spoken, and spend the entire day texting.
It's been a while since we last cracked up on the ironies of life at 3 in the morning.
It's been a while since we last joked over lame puns and secret jokes.
It's been a while since we helped each other overcome our fears, and know everything will be all right.
It's been a while since we last held hands and jumped in puddles.
It's been a while since we last shared our coffee, and ate chocolates while watching TV.
It's been a while, since we updated each other on our lives.

I miss what we used to be-happy and silly! All those stupid school memories, embarrassing moments, "I know right" situations, "That's so you" and "I'm not surprised" conversations..everything!
I wish I knew what went wrong. I wish we were WE again. If I could go back and amend all those mistakes, I would have.

All I want you to know is, you've always been one of the best friends I've made.
One of the most talented.
One who understood me the best.
And the one, I can trust my life with.
Thankyou, for always being there.

I miss you.

Love,
Shagun. :)