Uncensored.

Just save me from the anguish
The lies and woes 
Of a new world.
Take me to a place I'd know
As my own.
Take me somewhere 
Where the happy winds
Overwhelm my soul's desires. 
Let me be free and loved
Away from the betrayal of those
Who said they mattered before.
I'm a naked soul
Stripped bare off my life's doings
Lessons not needed, learned
While pain still traps my chest.
Tears for fears seem untold
None who'd ever understand..
For comfort and love is my want
Not just a sentence of incompetence. 
Shivering in absolute rawness
Fatigue now upon my eyes
A deep slumber, an uncalled escapade
To the one's who's arms keep me warm.
Thresholds crossed beyond explanation
Zombies come and go
I stay like a lingering shadow
Hoping for my day to glow.
Lost drives and strength
A want to just cocoon
No intoxication. No skin. No touch.
Just a place.. a little too much?

Chimes.

Innocence looked up in awe as she twirled her dainty fingers around the delicate strings of a bronze wind chime. She loved the tingly sound of the wind blowing through the thin woven metal strips wrought in detailed patterns. The sound reminded her of her mother's laugh-so simple and pure.

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Mama was away on a vacation, they told me. They said she needed to be away from me. I never understood why. Who would comb my hair then? They said aaji would do it, but only mama knew how to tie my blue ribbon in a perfect bow.

"Your mama is sick, Laila", they'd keep saying.

I always knew mama was a little easily upset, but aren't most adults? She used to change her voice sometimes, and sometimes, I never knew who she was. She forgot me too, but I still loved her. Maybe mama also forgot things, just like I forgot my ABC in kindergarten. They still kept saying she was ill.
Late at nights she used to say she were going to bed, but I saw her shadows in the kitchen light, looking for something frantically or just crying in sheer sorrow. I never knew why she was so sad.
When I would go up to her, she would beat me up and tell me I was a bad child,  but I still got her flowers hoping she would love me the next day.

That's when they took her away.
She cried and screamed. She broke all my dolls and toys. Her eyes were so angry and red, that daddy and the doctor had to tie her down to a bed with tight ropes. I saw her face as it convulsed in grim torture. "I love you, mama", I whispered softly, hoping she would remember me before they took her away.

I never cried, because I never knew. Only a gloomy darkness of grey towered me, and often I'd wake up feeling a pair of eyes on me. But soon they died too, just like a part of me-when mama was buried. 

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Now, the beautiful butterflies still hang on the wind chime, rusted and fading. As each part of them falls, her mother's grip fades.
Her eyes moisten.
Her heart fills.
But, she smiles.  

Pristine White.

There was ambiguity in her reflection

The clear waters seem to bluff-

They hid a tale amidst soft waves,

The sort told in the epoch of caves.

Clad in soft, pristine white

Silky black hair falling on her face;

Her expression seemed calm and knowing

A life of love and happiness showing.

Warmth.

The light, the light was warm and orange. The chill of the AC sent a shiver down her naked back, as he instinctively pulled her closer in his sleep. His sleep, his deep sleep was beautiful to her. She'd often lie awake in his arms, taking in the feeling of their skin all one, their legs intertwined, her head against his chest, his heartbeat, and his smell. Oh his smell was so comforting. Often she would hallucinate-imagining him to be around the corner, all the time she was away. Times like those she'd have to stop and calm the bellowing pain that pushed its way through her tiny being. But now, there was no worry. Lost in this mesmerising feeling, her mind makes her drop a tear of joy. Again as if by crazy instinct, he awakes, kisses her soft lips as she feels him smile. Comfortingly he runs his hands through her hair, as a peaceful slumber befalls them. The warm orange light knew a tale no one would.

Gliding My Consciousness

Sadly, I cannot flee the world the way my destiny planned for me. I was saved by braver ones who heard my calls of reinforcement. My body tattered. My soul damaged. My feet scalloped with addiction. What am I, now?

I stare at the ceiling as if in a slow trance, making shapes of the dancing sunlight. Them greens and reds constantly reflected as a swirl of rapids, with geyser like outbursts of charcoal black. I pray for those bright dancing colours to come back, just so I can taste their raw scent. You see, that was when I first saw her mesmerising smile gleaming through the shafts of fire and music. Her soft laughter, complimented with a light push of her sunny hair, made the army life seem like a walk by the coast. It was then I, a misplaced boy who joined the army on mama’s word, found a reason to live by.

Our love wasn’t the sort they show in your films today. She wasn’t the Commanding Officer’s daughter nor was I the most handsome person in the troop. We did live our ordinary lives which intertwined with strings of commitment. The beach was her favourite place, and that was exactly where I asked her to be my bride. Now, she’s no more. The war took her away. It took everyone away. It only left those who thought they were meant to die on the battle field, and buried with full state honours.

I can’t walk on the beach anymore. My life feels like a worn off dream lost in a comfortable sort of chaos. I run miles and miles to put it all together. To bring back all that I feel, to no avail. I keep running to chase the pot of gold, only to know that the hopeful mirage is just an endless reseeding window. I am a vulnerable man whose fading ego sinks.

All I now see and hear are noises. They never leave me. They gnaw silently at the back of my mind, and when I catch myself running away again, they grow louder and louder. My identity mirror fails me each time, and now I shall call for my own end.

The running man, the noises, the faces are all a blur of a long forgotten epoch. 

(This was an assignment I did for my creative writing class, based on three disjoint scenarios given to us.)

The Stuff of Dreams

Everyday I wake up feeling like the past 8 months of my life were just a dream, nightmare or whatever you'd like to call it.. and in reality I'm still sitting on my study table preparing for my 12th board exams and clearly having fallen into a deep slumber of vivid dreams.

Funny, isn't it?

What if all we're living is just a premonition of what's going to happen?
What if everything we are right now is just a sign for us to take the right decisions once we wake up?
Maybe that can explain the stagnation in our lives. Explain why sometimes we feel we try to hard, but reach no end.
Isn't that the stuff of dreams?

You feel like you're running a great marathon to reach the pot of gold at the rainbow's end.. but actually that idea of gold is just a reflected mirage. You still keep running.. directionless now.

And when you suddenly stop in fatigue, and fall flat on the ground with a large thud; you then snap out like a camera flash, and figure how the blueprint to your future is simply in negatives.
You wake up, wipe the drool off your face, and either go develop the negatives or maybe just throw them in the bin.

As you like it!

Renewed.

I haven't been writing much. In fact, I haven't been writing at all; except those moments wherein I've tried to squeeze out all my creativity to only land up with something demeaning and dark. Guess it was indeed a long drawn phase of unnecessary withdrawal..but now, it's time to take complete charge of myself, and my life. What I always stood for and believed in, has been completely washed away in the past 8 months. My life has changed in such a large manner, that I can never really identify with who I am. While I still watch myself slowly float out of this indecisiveness, a few things about me are clearly for the keeps. :)

PS: I've completely changed my blog style. I want my blog and my writing to reflect on who I am, not on only the negative aspect of instances in my life. There's a lot I'm taking out of life around me, but sadly not giving it the sort of importance it deserves.

You've got to embrace the change.
Stand up for yourself.
Fight the system.
Love a lot.
Live crazily.
Feel happy.
And above all, never ever in the process, lose your true identity. :)